A “Special” Relationship

My boyfriend and I send some weird texts back and forth. By weird, I don’t mean personal. I have only a small readership as it is. I’d rather not alienate the people who do read this.

Aaron: I wonder where all of this snow is?
Me: I ate it. It was delicious.
Aaron: Right as I got that text I looked outside to see it snowing.
Me: Darn. You caught me.

A discussion about his bromance with his old college roomie quickly devolved into them being engaged. Somehow, we got talking about his bridesmaids.

Me: They are your bridesmaids. You pick them.
Aaron: Ok, I’ve got some in mind. Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez(just to piss Beiber off), and some more that have yet to be determined.
Me: Will they accept?
Aaron: Who knows. Wait wtf why the hell am I the bride?

(A few days later)

Me: I just thought of the perfect wedding date for you and Nathaneal! Pi Day! In 2015! It would be awesome!
Aaron: Um yes. That would be amazing. at 9:53 in the morning.
Me: There ya go. You have your groom and wedding date. Now you just need everything else.
Aaron: Will you be our wedding planner?
Me: Do you actually trust me to be your wedding planner?
Aaron: It could be kinda crazy.
Me: I could have you both in bikinis and getting married in Antarctica. Which would be funny.
Aaron: Ummmm ok, you’re fired. We aren’t going to have any of that.
Me: Haha, whew! That could have been disastrous for us all. I should not be in charge of anything.

 

After a very silly conversation in which we discussed the wind:

Me: You are ridiculous.
Aaron: You use that word so often. I dont think it means what you think it means.
Me: Hahaha, that’s a great use of that quote.
Aaron: I know. However, that isnt the exact quote; it’s close enough though.
Me: Yeah, it doesn’t have to be perfect.
Aaron: Haha, yeah, now try telling that to all of these teens that wear tons of makeup and eyeliner.
Me: It would be perfect if they didnt wear it at all.
Aaron: Well when society turns “beauty” into something that is impossible to achieve besides through photoshop it gets hard to be perfect.
Me: Yeah. That’s why I eat chocolate. To tell society “F*** you!”

 

There will probably be more posts like this in the future because I’m no writer, therefore my “writer’s block” is more of a “blogger’s Great Wall of China.”

~Accidentally Pleasant

Advertisements

BONSAAAAAIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m not a big gardener. I don’t mind it, and I’ve helped Pig in the garden more times than I can count, but I’m just not good at it. I have had a few plants, but none of them live long. A lavender plant was given to me when I was 14, I think, and I would faithfully spray it with water every few days. Except I didnt rinse out the windex bottle I was using too well, so it died, even after I switched water containers. I mourned. It was pretty and smelled delightful. I buried it in the garden with the hope it’s carcass would nourish whatever was planted there next and appease Mother Nature. (Mother Nature, I’ve learned, is not something to be taken lightly or ignored, as any natural disaster survivor could tell you.)

A few years later, I got a Peace Lilly from my Biology teacher Mr. Waddell, and I was determined to keep it alive. He died in a tragic accident involving a bull not too long after that, and while the whole town mourned, I knew I had to keep the plant alive. Well, it didn’t make it. I went off to college, leaving the plant in what I thought were the capable hands of Pig, but no. A frost got it one winter and it never recovered.

I gave up on plants for awhile. I figured it wouldn’t be a good idea to piss off Mother Nature by killing her babies, so until Spring 2011, I just helped Pig in the garden and dreamed of the day when my plants would live long, green lives. That spring, I was working at Food City, and on my breaks, I would occasionally wander the store. I would always pause by Floral to see what they had for sale. It was usually pretty boring, but one day, they had a carnivorous plants display. I was pumped! I saw it before punching in, then spent my entire 15 minutes picking one out, and, when my shift was over, I was the proud owner of a Venus Fly Trap. It didn’t get much sun in my bedroom window, so it stayed in the kitchen. After only a day, it had caught a stink bug! I was planning on growing it really big and feeding it steadily bigger things until it acquired the taste of human blood, (a la The Little Shop of Horrors) then I would have it attack my enemies. That summer I went to camp, and left it for my mom to care for. When I came back two months later, she had thrown it away because it died. I don’t think she killed it on purpose. I think it committed suicide because it thought I abandoned it.

The only plant that is still living is the air plant my grandad gave me when we went to Florida for Spring Break 2011. (With my parents. Much more enjoyable than one would think. My parents are insanely entertaining.) The only reason that’s alive is because it just requires air and sun. Pretty sure I can give it that easily. Until it dies in a grease fire or falls down the garbage disposal. Then there’s another dead plant Mother Nature will hold against me.

I say all of this because I found a little “Train to Be A Bonsai Master!” kit and I decided to do it. I’m unemployed, so I can have a thousand hobbies, right? Anyway, I kill plants when all they require is water, so I have no idea what possesses me to grow a plant that takes about 20 steps to grow before I even have a sproutling. Bonsai trees always look like ancient gnarly trees that have been shrunk by some weird nature magic, so it’s worth it if I can properly grow one.

When I get a big enough tree, I plan on doing something like what this Bonsai Master does. Mine will never be that intense. I’ll probably just stick a Monopoly hotel next to it with a tiny flag. The trees he works with are amazing, even without the stick mansions. So I suppose that’s my inspiration. I want a bonsai tree that big so I can not do what he does. Actually, I want a whole forest of bonsai trees, so Lego people can play hide and seek in them and take naps in little hammocks that I will lovingly handcraft for them. What Lego person wouldn’t want to chill in a hammock in a bonsai tree?

~Accidentally Pleasant

*insert Hitchhiker’s Guide joke here*

At last! I found the answer to the life, the universe, and everything!

Well, at least the answer to my life, my universe, and my everything: an M&M Blizzard. I should have gotten a large instead of a medium.

~Accidentally Pleasant

PS: No…seriously. Give me an M&M DQ Blizzard, and I’ll love you forever.

PPS: I realize that there are thousands of pictures like this on the internet, but I don’t care.

PPPS: Does it count that I was eating this during the first snowfall we’ve had all winter??

PPPPS: This has been a terrible winter for sledding. 😦 Who stole our snow?

Dead Bodies

I’m sitting in my room watching Star Trek and sifting through a tin of sea shells(to make a craft with), when it occurs to me that collecting sea shells is the only non-creepy way to collect dead bodies. Taxidermy doesn’t count because stuffed animals have those creepy glass eyes going on. But sea shells? We pick them up on vacation as a way to remember a happy time. We collect the bones of innocent creatures to remember happy times. Creepy. I may have just ruined someone’s next beach vacation. Or made it more enjoyable.

~Accidentally Pleasant

Sponsors of All Kinds

Yesterday I went out with my boyfriend for dinner at a little Italian place. Like every other restaurant in America, the tv was tuned into the game. We picked a table where we couldn’t see it, because, well, American football is lame compared to the real thing. Aaron (boyfriend) could see the game if he leaned back in his chair, so while we were waiting on our food, he watched a commercial or two. The following is a conversation where I tried to have an interest in sports.

Me: So who’s winning?

Aaron: The Giants

Me: THE VAGINAS??

Aaron: What? No, the Giants. Where did you get Vaginas from? You are deaf.

Me: I don’t know. I don’t know much about football.

*five minutes pass*

Aaron: Who would sponsor them?

Me: Summer’s Eve.

Aaron: *annoyed look* I know what that is. I stock at a grocery store.

Me: Then you know how perfect it is to have them sponsor the Vaginas.

Trojan would sponsor the Penises.

I wonder who would sponsor the Breasts…VICTORIA SECRET!!

Who would sponsor the Testicles?

Aaron: An athletic cup.

Me: YES!!

We watched the halftime show back at his place but turned off the tv to watch a movie, and this morning as we were listening to the radio, we were told the winners.

Aaron and I: THE VAGINAS WON!!!!!

Thank you, Giants. This wouldn’t have been as funny if you had lost.

~Accidentally Pleasant

Dedicated to Bethany.

I have quite a few friends getting married in the next year or two, and I’m halfway stalking my friends Bethany and Joe as they prepare for their wedding because it sounds like it’s gonna be geeky and awesome. And I’m creepy. Luckily, they know, and they love me anyway, because Bethany will send Facebook messages like this one she sent whilst I was away from the keyboard stuffing my face with walnut brownies.

 

Bethany:

Joe and I were discussing guest book alternatives the other day, and you came up in our conversation:

Bethany: I saw where one girl is going to use one of their favorite books, like a children’s book or a graphic novel.

Joe: Watchmen?

B: No.

J: Why not?

B: Because someone – no – *Andrea*, would go through and write “ANDREA WAS HERE” on Dr. Manhattan’s penis whenever it shows.

 

I thought you’d appreciate that.

Me:

It would be to save the children from seeing a cartoon penis!!

or the little old ladies!!

 

She gets me. Joe, guard your betrothed. I have until December to steal her from you.

~Accidentally Pleasant

PS: Bethany, maybe you shouldn’t read comics that border on porn. It would be more boring, but it would save many children from being scarred for life. Who wants that on their conscience? (Besides me. And Joe.)